TITLE:  The Fine Thread of Sanity
AUTHOR:  Lara Means
E-MAIL:  LaraMeansXF@aol.com 
WEBSITE:  www.geocities.com/larameans_2000
CLASSIFICATION:  VA
RATING:  PG
ARCHIVE:  Gossamer, Spookys, NO (I'll submit directly to both); 
Ephemeral, M&S, Xemplary, YES.  Anywhere else, please ask.  I'll 
say yes; I just like to know where the kids are at the end of 
the day.
FEEDBACK:  Please?
DATE POSTED:  02/24/01

DISCLAIMER:  U.S. copyright law says that the studio is the 
author of a movie or television show, not the writer or creator.  
Which means that "The X-Files" ultimately belongs to Rupert 
Murdoch, even though it was created and brought to life by 
people with WAY more talent.  No infringement intended.

SPOILERS:  Pilot, Fire, Duane Barry, Ascension, One Breath 
(post-ep for One Breath)

SUMMARY:  I should've done more.  Should've warned her how 
dangerous it could be.  Should've tried harder to find her.  
Should've killed that smoking son of a bitch when I had the 
chance.  Should've... should've found a way to keep her safe.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  2nd Place Winner, Church of X Fanfic Challenge 
for January/February!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE FINE THREAD OF SANITY

written by Lara Means

It's been a week since she woke up.

I'm lying here on my couch in the dark, the TV and aquarium 
throwing odd colored shadows everywhere.  I have no idea what 
I'm watching -- some old movie on the Sci-Fi Channel, I think.  
I don't care, I'm not really paying attention.  I'm just... 
lying here.

I've straightened up the place since that night.  Put stuff back 
in the desk drawers, replaced things that got broken.  But I 
can't rouse myself to do anything else.  I've taken a leave of 
absence, but all I've done is lie here.

I should've done more.  Should've warned her how dangerous it 
could be.  Should've tried harder to find her.  Should've killed 
that smoking son of a bitch when I had the chance.  Should've... 
should've found a way to keep her safe.

Since I didn't do it before, I have to do it now.  Keep her 
safe.  Send her away, as far away from me as I can.  She's got 
another week of medical leave before she comes back to work, 
then she has to requalify for field agent status.  Surely I can 
think of something.

Skinner would transfer her out if I asked, but I don't think he 
can.  I know he's involved somehow with Cancer Man -- I don't 
know if he takes orders from him, but there's something going on 
there.

Hell, they've gotten what they wanted -- they got the X-files 
closed, they broke me by taking her...  If they want to shut me 
down, get rid of me...

Maybe that's the answer.  Instead of taking her out of the 
equation, maybe I should take myself out...

Take myself out.

Jesus.  I haven't thought about that in years.  Since Phoebe.

But that would fix everything, wouldn't it?  Scully would be 
safe, they wouldn't be able to use her to get to me anymore.  
She could still salvage her career, could make something of 
herself instead of being stuck in the basement with Spooky 
Mulder.  She could have a real life...

I'd have to leave her a note.  Tell her why I did it.  Make sure 
she doesn't do something stupid, like go after Cancer Man...  
She'd never do that, though, I'm certain of that.  Scully has 
too much integrity to do that.  She's not like me.

I could do it.  It wouldn't be all that difficult.  Gun to the 
temple, or the roof of the mouth maybe...

I'm jolted out of this by a knock at the door.  I glance at the 
clock on the VCR -- 11:32.

I look through the peephole -- what the hell?

"Mrs. Scully?"

She stands there in the hall, looking uncertain, a little 
uncomfortable.  "Fox.  I'm sorry I didn't call first, but..."

"No, it's okay.  Come on in."

I escort her inside, flipping on a light and turning off the TV.  
"Can I get you anything?  Coffee, tea, water...?"

"No, thank you, I'm fine."  She settles on the couch and looks 
around the place, a faint frown on her lips.  She looks like my 
mom would look if she ever saw my apartment.  I take the chair 
across from her and wait.

It takes her a moment to collect herself, but then she pins me 
with those Scully eyes.  "You haven't been to see her since that 
first day."

Damn.  I can't look at her, but I can't look away.

"Why not, Fox?"

"I, um...  I figured she'd rather spend time with you and her 
sister."  It's a lame excuse, and we both know it.

"She wants to see you."  I shake my head, glance at the phone.  
She sees it.  "You know her better than that.  She'll never 
admit that she needs anybody.  That she needs you."  Scully 
needs me?  That's just not possible.  But her mother presses on.  
"I believe, Fox, that she came back for you.  If you hadn't been 
with her that night... we would've lost her."

I can't listen to this, not now, not with what I was thinking 
about before.  I get up, running a hand through my hair, pacing 
aimlessly around the room.  "Mrs. Scully, I can't..."

She's followed me, and she stills me with her hand on my arm.  I 
stop, look into her eyes.  So much like Scully's.  I see where 
she gets her strength.

"She's being released on Sunday."  It's very late Friday night 
now.  "You could go see her tomorrow."

I shake my head, close my eyes against her penetrating gaze.  "I 
can't...  She doesn't need me, she can't..."

She squeezes my hand and I open my eyes again.  "Go see her, 
Fox."

And she's gone.  Leaving me alone, to figure out what to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My palms are sweaty.

I wipe them on my jeans, but it doesn't help.  I'm nervous as 
hell.

I double-check at the admitting desk to make sure they haven't 
moved her to a different room.  I walk past the gift shop on the 
way to the elevator.  Should I take her some flowers?  I brought 
another video, so I wouldn't go to her empty-handed, but maybe...

I shake my head and get in the elevator.  Flowers from me would 
be wrong somehow.

I pause outside her door and watch her through the window for a 
moment.  She's reading, her glasses perched on her nose.  After 
a bit, she lowers her book and takes off her glasses, then looks 
out the window opposite where I am.

God, she... has she always been this beautiful?

Her expression changes a little, then she turns toward me.  
Seeing me through the glass.

And she smiles.

How could I have ever thought about leaving this woman?

As I walk through the door she holds out her hand to me.  I take 
it and sit gingerly on the edge of her bed.  "About time you 
showed up."

"Yeah, well... you know how it is."  Any glib answer I was going 
to toss her way has fled my brain.

"Skinner told me you took a leave of absence."

Damn.  She knows I've been home for a week.  "I've been trying 
to figure out what to do with my life."

Her eyebrow arches.  I can't stop the grin that comes over me -- 
I've missed that so much.  "I thought that was all settled.  
Your search for your sister... for the truth?"

I shrug, give my head a little shake.  "That doesn't seem all 
that important anymore."  I squeeze her hand, hoping to convey 
what I mean.  That *she's* what's important to me now.

I think she gets it, because she squeezes back, runs her thumb 
over my knuckles.  Then her expression turns serious.  "Mulder, 
I... it *is* important.  It has to be.  I want... I want to know 
what happened to me.  I need to know.  I need you to help me 
find out."

Oh my God.  I never...  Of course she would want to know.  She's 
a scientist, she needs to know the facts, to examine the 
evidence.

"Yes, Scully... yes, whatever you need.  I'm here."  She gives me 
another smile, and my heart feels lighter.  I feel like I have a 
purpose now -- to protect her by finding the truth.  For her.

She glances at the bag in my hand and raises that eyebrow again.  
"What's in the bag?"

"I figured you'd be sick of 'Superstars of the Super Bowls' by 
now, so..."  I pull out the video and hand it to her.

"'Magic Moments From the World Series.'  What's next?  'NBA All-
Stars'?"  But she's smiling, like she did that first day.

"Yeah, it's a series.  'Fox Mulder's Guide to Professional 
Sports.'"

She laughs at that.  It's an incredibly lame joke, but she 
laughs.  I didn't realize how much I missed that sound.  I reach 
out and tuck her hair behind her ear, let my touch linger on her 
cheek for the briefest of moments.

"I should go.  Let you get some rest."

She shakes her head, doesn't let go of the hand she's been 
holding since I walked in.  "I'm sick of resting.  Stay for 
awhile, okay?"

I nod, and we sit there together, looking at each other.  After 
a minute there's just too much silence.  "So.  How 'bout those 
Knicks?"

"I don't know, I haven't gotten the basketball video yet."  She 
fingers the gold cross at her throat, and my smile fades a 
little.  I don't think she notices.  "I go home tomorrow."

"Yeah, your mom told me."  She looks at me, questioning.  "She 
came to see me last night."

"Oh, Mulder, I'm sorry..."

"No, it's okay.  She just gave me a good, swift kick in the 
ass."

"She's good at that."  She squeezes my hand again.  "Mom told 
me... she said you were a great comfort to her."

"No," I shake my head.  "She was the one, Scully, she... she 
held me together."

"I'm just glad you both had someone to lean on.  And I wanted to 
say thank you."  She holds my gaze for a moment, and I can see 
that she means it.  She's grateful I was there for her mother.  
Where else would I be?

"You staying with her for awhile?"

She shakes her head firmly.  "No.  I'm going home.  To *my* 
home."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Scully?  I mean, the place has 
been cleaned up, glass replaced, and your phone... but still..."

"Mulder, I have to know that I'm... that I'm okay there.  You 
understand, don't you?"

I give her a gentle smile and caress her hand.  "Yeah.  I 
understand."

"Then can you help me explain it to my mother?"

I have to laugh.  A joke is the last thing I expect from her 
right now, but I should've known.  She's resilient, my Scully.

"I'm coming back to work soon.  A week from Monday."

"That's awfully quick, Scully."

"Mulder, I need to.  I'm done with physical therapy -- now I 
have to get back in shape, requalify with my weapon..."  She 
looks a little shy all of a sudden, chewing on her lower lip.  
"Will you help me?  Work out with me, go to the firing range?"

That smile.  How could I refuse her anything?  "Absolutely."

We sit together a while longer, just being together after so 
long apart.  Finally her eyelids begin to drift shut -- I take 
that as my cue.

"I'm gonna go, let you enjoy your last lazy day."  This time she 
nods, and I get up.  She hasn't let go of my hand.  "You'll be 
okay at home tomorrow?"  She nods again, gives my hand a little 
squeeze and lets it go.  "Okay.  I'll call you."

I turn to go, but her voice brings me back.

"Mulder?  Would you want to come over tomorrow night?  Maybe 
watch 'Magic Moments of the World Series'?"

I can't stop the smile that lights up my face.  "I'd like that, 
Scully."

"Around seven?"

"I'll bring dinner."

"Good.  A girl can only take so much hospital food."

I give her another laugh and open the door.  "Don't tell me 
you've lost your taste for lime jello?"  I'm rewarded with a 
laugh from her.  "See you tomorrow night."

She nods, and I step out into the hall.  I turn back and glance 
at her through the window again.  She gives me another smile, 
and I go.

I make my way out of the hospital, finally feeling grounded 
again.  Like I've found my anchor.

Scully needs me.

I knew there was a reason to live.

END